Erie - One of the nicest winter tourist spots in the ninth circle of hell

I just can't wait for the first really big lake effect snowstorm to hit Erie.

At zero hour, leaving for work: City plow drivers are being interviewed on TV, crying that they haven't gotten enough work yet this year. Snow is coming down more or less sideways, your footprints on the sidewalk are almost buried by the time it takes you to get to your car. People are driving even more stupidly than usual -- painfully slow ('hats' in LearningToDrives and Lincoln Towncars) or recklessly fast (4x4 pickup owners who've never hauled anything other than their own beer bellies). The six main east-west streets (Bayfront, 6th, 12th, 18th, 26th, 38th) and four north-south streets (East, State, Peach and Liberty) have been plowed sometime within the past 2 hours -- anything else, including I-79 and I-90, good freakin luck.

After work, 9 hours later: Main streets have been plowed once or twice more, and a few secondary streets have had a single pass. Every parked car is totally buried or there's a recent excavation site. Drivers are still suffering cranial-rectal inversion.

Day 2, leaving for work: Shovel the car out of the chunks of dirty ice that the plow buried it in. The snow on the side streets is starting to pack down hard as they still haven't been plowed. No sign of any salt being laid down anywhere, even on the main streets. Ice dunes are starting to form between the streets and the sidewalks. Most people are starting to remember how to drive in the snow, although you'll still spot moments of pure idiocy. Downtown, all the winos and gang bangers are walking in the middle of the street instead of on the sidewalks. They might choose to move out of the way when your car drives up behind them.

Day 2, after work: During the day, the sun warmed up the packed snow enough to melt it slightly, and now that it's dropped down to 12F, there's a solid sheet of ice that runs the entire length of the city. 'Hat' speed makes sense now. The dumbasses in the 4x4s are playing demolition derby, because not even a 4WD with studded snow tires will stop without sliding when you're tailgating someone at 45 mph and have to spike the brakes suddenly. Road salt, what's that?

Day 3, leaving for work: City plow drivers are being interviewed on TV, crying that they can't keep up and have to work too much overtime. Chip the car out of blackened hardpack ice after climbing over a 3 foot mound of the same. Slip, slide, dodge scary pedestrians in leather Chicago Bulls jackets, toboggans and Nikes. (If you can afford a leather Bulls jacket, can't you afford some boots???)

Day 3, after work: Repeat morning.

And so on... Eventually the roads dry out (until the next snowstorm), but the sidewalk crust just accumulates and hardens and doesn't melt until April or May.

What joy.