Bill of Rights 2.0

Amendment I

Congress shall make no law respecting an establishment of religion (unless it's an election year or there's some other need to grandstand), or prohibiting the free exercise thereof (unless it's something like Santeria that Judeo-Christians think is weird); or abridging the freedom of speech (unless it's on television), or of the press (unless it's critical of the current administration, because that'd be helping the terrorists or unless the press is stationed in another country, in which case the FBI can seize its assets with impunity); or the right of the people peaceably to assemble (as long as they don't plan to protest, in which case the Secret Service will arrest and hold them until the assembly ends), and to petition the government for a redress of grievances (unless the government is responsible for the grievances in question).

Amendment II

A well regulated militia, being necessary to the security of a free state, the right of the people to keep and bear arms, shall not be infringed (unless you live in certain cities and states or use public transportation, and so long as those arms are not powerful enough to be useful to, say, a militia).

Amendment III

No soldier shall, in time of peace be quartered in any house, without the consent of the owner, nor in time of war, but in a manner to be prescribed by law.

Amendment IV

The right of the people to be secure in their persons, houses, papers, and effects, against unreasonable searches (except by the FBI or TSA) and seizures (except by the FBI, DEA, IRS or state or local governments), shall not be violated, and no warrants shall issue, but upon probable cause, supported by oath or affirmation (often by a government-paid informant or felon trying to plea bargain), and particularly describing the place to be searched, and the persons or things to be seized (except for citizens suspected of consentual crime, for whom all fourth amendment rights are suspended).

Amendment V

No person shall be held to answer for a capital, or otherwise infamous crime, unless on a presentment or indictment of a grand jury, except in cases arising in the land or naval forces, or in the militia, when in actual service in time of war or public danger; nor shall any person be subject for the same offense to be twice put in jeopardy of life or limb; nor shall be compelled in any criminal case to be a witness against himself, nor be deprived of life, liberty, or property, without due process of law (unless being held offshore); nor shall private property be taken for public use, without just compensation. (Private property, however, may be seized by the states for use by corporations large enough to grease the right palms.)

Amendment VI

In all criminal prosecutions, the accused shall enjoy the right to a speedy (unless they're rich and famous enough to drag it out into a six month media circus) and public trial (unless being detained offshore), by an impartial jury of the state and district wherein the crime shall have been committed, which district shall have been previously ascertained by law, and to be informed of the nature and cause of the accusation (unless being detained offshore); to be confronted with the witnesses against him (unless being detained offshore); to have compulsory process for obtaining witnesses in his favor (unless being detained offshore), and to have the assistance of counsel for his defense (unless being detained offshore).

Amendment VII

In suits at common law, where the value in controversy shall exceed twenty dollars, the right of trial by jury shall be preserved, and no fact tried by a jury, shall be otherwise reexamined in any court of the United States, than according to the rules of the common law. (In cases of defective product liability, records shall be sealed so that the nature of the flaw which caused harm is hidden, avoiding further financial harm to the liable manufacturer.)

Amendment VIII

Excessive bail shall not be required, nor excessive fines imposed, nor cruel and unusual punishments inflicted (except upon detainees, insurgents, enemy combatants and other 'disappeared' persons being held against their will but not formally accused of any crime).

Amendment IX

The enumeration in the Constitution, of certain rights, shall not be construed to deny or disparage others retained by the people (except in the multitude of instances where the federal government has invoked the interstate commerce clause to justify doing so).

Amendment X

The powers not delegated to the United States by the Constitution, nor prohibited by it to the states, are reserved to the states respectively, or to the people (except in the multitude of instances where the federal government has invoked the interstate commerce clause to justify doing so).