Neo-Hippie Ramblings - I'm a Non-Conformist Just Like All My Friends: It's a blunderful life

Tuesday, September 13, 2005

It's a blunderful life

It's a Wonderful Blunderful Life

The scene opens on a snowy bridge over the Potomac River in winter. The wind blows and dark water churns below. George W. Bush, looking weary and haggard, climbs out over the railing.

"I wish I were never born", he murmurs, leaning out toward the water.

There is a loud splash and the camera pans down to a man flailing in the water. George jumps in and pulls him to safety...

Cut to George and Clarence the angel, warming up in front of an old stove at a guardbooth.

"I'm an angel, George", says Clarence, pulling back on his newly dried clothes. "I'm here to grant your wish. Follow me."

"Anything you say, Clare-bear." George gives a thumbs-up and a grin.

"Don't call me that. It's idiotic", says Clarence.

"It's what I do, Clare-bear", says George. "I give people nicknames."

"Shut up, George."

"God likes me, Clarence. I started that there office for faith-based initiatives."

"Yes, George. But right or wrong, you didn't give that office any funding. The Big Guy wasn't impressed."

The scene fades out as George and Clarence leave the guardbooth, and fades back in at the home of a man watching television and drinking a beer.

"That guy looks familiar, Clarence, but I can't place him. Who is that?"

"That's Claude Jones, George. He was convicted of murder based on questionable evidence. When you were governor, you refused his request for a DNA test of the single piece of hair that the prosecution claimed placed him at the crime scene. He was executed. But the guy who served as governor in your place allowed that DNA test, exonerating him."

"I like beer. Think he'd mind if I grabbed a beer?"

"Shut up, George."

Next we see George and Clarence walking through the gates of a cemetery. George scratches his head.

"Gee, Clare-bear, this place looks familiar too. But it's a little different somehow."

"Well, George, it should look familiar. This is one of the cemeteries in Florida where your buddies from SCI were digging up corpses and throwing them in the woods so they could re-sell the plots. You remember, right? It was on the news. You were subpoenaed but resused to testify."

"Oh yeah. Heh, heh. Good times."

"When you weren't around to halt the investigation into SCI's illegal activities in Texas, they were under sufficient scrutiny to prevent the desecration of graves here in Florida. That's why it looks different."

"Guess you could say they had a bone to pick with me."

"Shut up, George."

Clarence and George stand outside a maximum security cell in a federal prison, peeking in at a thin man with a beard and a turban.

"Holy poop on a stick, Clarence! Is that Osama bin Laden???"

"That's right, George. When you weren't around to push your Iraq agenda, the President elected in your place focused instead on bringing Osama bin Laden to justice. It took a few years, but they finally caught him. He goes on trial next month."

"That PATRIOT Act sure did work, huh?"

"Shut up, George. There is no PATRIOT Act. We never needed it."

George and Clarence stand at the back of a crowd that has gathered alongside a convoy of National Guard trucks. Guardsmen are handing out bottled water and MREs.

"Is this Louisiana after the hurricane, Clare-bear?"

"That's right, George. Two days after Katrina."

"But we didn't get there until like four or five days afterward. And how'd all these Guardsmen get here? They're supposed to be protecting our freedom in Iraq."

"Well, in your absence, the President appointed a competent director for FEMA -- somebody who knew how to respond to a pending natural disaster. He mobilized immediately based on the National Weather Service's warning instead of waiting. And we never invaded Iraq, so most of the active guardsmen weren't overseas. They were here to help."

"Hey, I was in the Guard during Vietnam. Helped keep Texas safe from Charlie."

"Shut up, George."

The scene fades out, and then fades back in to a close-up of George and Clarence. They are once again swimming in the icy Potomac River.

"Hey Clare-bear," shouts George, "what gives? Isn't this the part where I'm supposed to go home and hug my family?"

"Sorry, George, I'm under strict orders from the Big Guy. He told me to make sure you jumped in the river. See, the poor have been praying desperately for some kind of relief, and He thought this was the best possible thing He could do for them."

Fade to black.

Clarence's voice is heard to say, "Whenever someone signs the petition to impeach Bush, an angel gets his wings."

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